So, all you need to know today is that it’s the feast day for Mary of Magdala AKA Mary Magdalene AKA the first apostle or the ‘apostle to the apostles’ if you’re being picky.
With the demise of The Toast, sadly there is no one regularly providing snarky commentary on artwork. I feel that Mary Mag would have greatly enjoyed such snark, and so as my act of devotion for her feast day, I offer you the following.
This Mary has clearly been up all night looking after some dudebros — I mean disciples — who are upset about Jesus. She’s breaking out one of those squeeze stress-balls that pharmaceutical companies give away.
DOUBLE MARY TIME. Here we’ve got Big Mary (Jesus’ mum) holding little Mary (Magdalene).
Big Mary: ‘How cool is it that we share a name?’
Little Mary: ‘Like, so cool. It’s a name strong ladies have.’
Big Mary: ‘I know, right? I mean NOBODY in the future will ever get us confused, or any of the other Marys.’
Little Mary: ‘Nobody. I think we should both keep wearing red all the time. That’s not confusing.’
This Mary has realistic hair. Ain’t nobody wearing a headscarf without flyaways, I tell you.
This Mary is my spirit animal because of her enviable Resting Bitchface.
According to the title of this painting, here Mary is ‘penitent’. She’s also clutching a skull and rolling her eyes. I leave this to you to decide whether or not that is something a penitent person would do.
This Mary: ‘Jesus Christ! You’re alive!’
Jesus: ‘Can’t touch this.’
This Mary: ‘Sorry dudes fighting about women being priests, I’m just over here, looking fine and praying for you. Peace out.’
This Mary is having a day where staying in pyjamas and pondering the meaning of the universe (also watching Netflix) is all that’s gonna happen.
This Mary: ‘Looketh at my face. Is this the bothered face thou seest before thee?’
This Mary’s so awesome she went and got herself a suit of hair.
This Mary’s hirsute hair suit is better than hers ^^. Damn right.
This Mary moonlights as a vampire hunter.
This Mary was totally just having a topless nap in the forest, again with skulls and books. Nothing to see here.